My first wife, Lindsay, died 31 years ago. She had been ill for many years with cancer, and a liver transplant extended her life by four years. During her final year, a pain specialist from our local hospice at Dorothy House told her how impressed he was that she, unlike most people he met, had had done more than merely come to terms with the fact that she was dying. She had overcome and was in no way daunted by her situation. Could she, he asked, write down her account of how she had achieved this? Lindsay had no strength left even to hold a pen, but I interviewed her and wrote down her responses
CONVERSATION WITH LINDSAY, written down
by Michael. 29.1.94 - ten days before she died (and three days before she lost consciousness).
Fear of what lies ahead
I
am not in the least frightened, although this time I know that I am dying. But
I'm not in the least bit afraid of
death. I'm looking forward to it with great excitement: in a very peaceful sort
of way, if you can be excited and at peace.
I've
looked forward all my life to going to heaven, and now that it's coming about,
I'm longing to know what it's going to be like.
I've talked about it, I've sung about it, I've prayed about it all
my life, as most Christians have, and
now it's actually coming about I find it
absolutely fascinating to know just how it's going to manifest itself and what it's going to be like.
I've
had a wonderful, wonderful life with lots and lots of great happiness,
particularly with family affairs. I've had lots of wonderful family holidays
and outings and occasions and there are many of those which leave me with great
memories. And I'm very pleased about that because they will stand the family in
good stead I hope, as they're left behind without me.
It
won't be a wrench to leave my family and friends. I know that sounds absolutely
awful, and I don't really know how it is
that I can say it. But I'm going to such a wonderful place that I can't even
miss them. I feel terribly sorry because
the family will miss me, but I'm afraid I don't think I'll miss them.
I
am so looking forward to where I am going.
I've been brought up as a committed Christian all my life I suppose, and
the Lord Jesus Christ has been my friend and
my guide for all that time. And as I've learnt various things about Him
it's gradually built up, and with it has built up a picture of what is to come.
A hazy picture, I might say, but an exciting picture nevertheless.
I
have never had any doubts about this. It's really to my sorrow in a way, because
I'm no use to people who do have doubts. I can't be of any use to them, because
I can't understand what their problem
is, and so I'm useless, whereas the doubter who has forged his way through and
come out the other end is much more
useful, because He's got an answer to the questions. That's a more useful
situation to be in.
I
have been asked what my relationship with Jesus is like, and whether he talks
to me.
I
do spend a lot of time in prayer and I feel He answers me. I find it difficult to say how He answers me
except that I believe that He does.
I
don't hear a human voice. But I do know instinctively on many occasions what I
should be doing, and what the Lord's answer is, even if it's something that I
don't what to do myself. He gives me a very clear answer which I can grasp and
experience.
Fear of pain
I
think it's vital to accept the advice of the doctors around you. There's no
merit in being noble, so if you are in pain I think it's a good thing to admit
it. I haven't always done so myself, but I think where I haven't, I've made a
mistake and I should have done.
Fear of death
This
is where it's very difficult, because I find even in the last week or so my attitude has changed anyway, and a
lovely chorus has come very much to the
full in my life in a way which I didn't realise would happen even as recently as a month ago.
‘Turn your
eyes upon Jesus
Look full in
His wonderful face;
And the
things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light
of His glory and grace.’
It's
now become very true, and the things of earth have faded, and with them the
fear of what might happen when I die. So I have no fears now.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well
the first thing is, it's very debatable whether or not I'm good. And if I am good, then so are a very large
number of other people, because we're all a mixture of good and bad, of nasty
and unpleasant things, and of lots of lovely things as well. Far more important
than that, why shouldn't they? What reason is there for me to be spared? I see no reason of any sort why I shouldn't
experience exactly the same as every other human being. If I were to have a
charmed life then non-Christians could look and say, "Well of course it's
easy to be a Christian. You have a charmed life." But if I am able to be a
Christian when life is ordinary and just like everybody else's then that is
when it is more recognisable as being
something which is worth-while. Despite all the pain and weakness, and the fact
that I'm still young, I feel my heavenly Father has looked after me through
thick and thin, and it's His right to bless us in whatever way He wishes, and I
feel that this is what He has done.
Why does a good and powerful God let you
suffer?
It
means that life is full of mysteries. I'm sorry to just leave it at that, but life is full of mysteries which
this side of heaven we will not understand because He is all-powerful and so He
could do whatever He chose, and we do not understand why He chooses one way and
rejects another way in one particular
person's life. We just have to accept that that is what He does, and he has every
right to, because He is the sovereign Lord. And so I feel that I have complete
peace to leave the choice to Him to permit me to be treated in whatever way He
sees fit. And I'm absolutely convinced
that His way has been best for me.
I
think too that our family has benefitted by the suffering because it has drawn us together and taught us very
valuable, very difficult lessons. And when you think of all sorts of things in
nature: a diamond can't be made without great pressure, a gemstone is something
which takes a great deal of making, a beautiful garden requires a great deal of pruning, and there are many instances in
nature of things which have to be
treated in a way which you might consider to be unkind in order to bring out the very best. And we have
been privileged in our family that He has considered us worthy to treat us in
this way and bring out the very best. I see in my children that they have learnt
a great deal of love and care and joy in their lives because of the sorrow that
we have been through, and I'm grateful that they have been permitted to do this. It's been a real
privilege to be their mother, and to be Michael's wife.
Is the timing wrong if a young person
dies?
All
I can say is that the timing that I can see has always been perfect. I've had a lot of very happy
occasions in the last few years. I suppose
the first one is my successful liver transplant, which came absolutely spot on
time. If it had waited any longer it would have been too late. But since then
we've had family holidays where I've been ill
beforehand, then for the time it was booked I've been really well for
the whole period of the holiday. We've had family occasions when the same thing
has happened: where there was something that we really wanted to go to.
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| In Leeds after the liver transplant |
What about the loneliness of those you
leave behind?
Well
I hope no-one will be bitter, because I personally believe that the Lord Jesus'
timing has been absolutely spot on. I can't pretend to understand that because
it is a mystery, but I do feel that if it's right for me to be dead, and it
must be because that's my heavenly Father's
plan for me, then it must be right for all those around me, for me to be dead.
It cannot be right for me and wrong for them, and so there must be some even
more glorious explanation of why it was
necessary to do it just this way. And the Lord promises he will give us
His comfort. He says, "I will not leave you comfortless" and He
promises that when He goes away He will leave His Holy Spirit, and that is
still valid today. His Holy Spirit is still here, willing and able and longing
to be a comfort to all those who are left behind.
I
think He's given a baton to me to carry up to now, and now for whatever reason
He sees fit, my carrying of it is over. I've done my bit. Like a relay runner
I've done my bit and now the next runner has to take over to do his bit. No
relay runner can run three laps of the relay: he only runs his one, and I'm
only running my one.
One wish for future.
My
wish for those I leave behind is that they all have a strong and determined
faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and that they continue to walk with Him.
That's
the only wish I have. If that is right, then everything else falls into place.
Basically if that bit of your life is right, then if you are wanting to serve
Him, and that is the paramount wish in your life, then everything else has got
to fall into place, and then you will be blessed as I have been blessed. I know, from utter conviction.
Has your life been a success?
Oh
yes, my life has been an infinite success. I have had a very happy, contented
life for many years, and I have thoroughly enjoyed everything that came my way,
because I was determined to live it through the Lord Jesus Christ. I have had
sorrows; there have been quite a few sorrows, but they have nearly all been
because of my own stupidity and on occasions when I upset the applecart, and
had to come back to the Lord and ask His forgiveness and pick up things and
carry on; but while I have let Him do the ruling, everything has gone well.
I
believe the secret of life is to spend it with the Lord Jesus Christ, so the
transition from this life to the next really won't be that great. It'll be just
like changing trains, only the new train will be a corker!
I
haven't got a clear imagination of what heaven is going to be like but it
doesn't matter a bit. It's quite exciting waiting to find out what it's going
to be like. I'm really looking forward
to it, and not just because I shall no longer be in pain. I shall meet again those who have gone before
me. I don't know whether I shall be conscious of having to wait for those who
follow behind me because I will have stepped out of time as we know it. But the
Lord Jesus said that when He returns He will raise the dead in Christ, and that
will be me and my father; and then they who are alive, and that will be Michael
and the children. And we'll all meet the Lord together. I think that makes
absolute sense to me.
But
sadly I think there will be some people whom I will not meet in heaven. Good
people, who have rejected the Lord Jesus Christ. I can't bear to think of it
but I'm afraid there are those who just haven't had it in them to accept Him.
But I do wish that they would think very
seriously about Him and decide that He is worth their allegiance from many points of view. I think
the other thing is that there will be many people there that we'll be surprised
by. People whom we didn't expect to see there, and they are there too. I myself have been very blessed. A lot of
people haven't had the opportunities
that I've had. But I do long that they will take advantage in the time that's
left. I think we need to be positive because there are a lot of people are very
close and I feel many of them have never
rejected the Lord. And if you haven't rejected Him then you are with Him, I
believe. I think there may even be Christians there who didn't know they were.
The
kingdom of heaven is open to absolutely everybody. Secondly, there are people all over the place who would
be very willing to help you., or if you just pick up a Bible from a bookshop,
or in your own home, and read through
it. Talk with a believer. He or she will be able to guide you to the Lord Jesus
Christ, who can make all the difference
in your life.
I've
never been very courageous for the Lord, which is one of my great shames, and perhaps it's
because I'm so near the end that I've
got the courage to talk for Him, at least to redeem a little bit of time right
at the end.
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| Teenager in Northern Rhodesia |
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| In our garden in Uganda, with Janine |