My first wife, Lindsay, died 31 years ago. She had been ill for many years with cancer, and a liver transplant extended her life by four years. During her final year, a pain specialist from our local hospice at Dorothy House told her how impressed he was that she, unlike most people he met, had had done more than merely come to terms with the fact that she was dying. She had overcome and was in no way daunted by her situation. Could she, he asked, write down her account of how she had achieved this? Lindsay had no strength left even to hold a pen, but I interviewed her and wrote down her responses
CONVERSATION WITH LINDSAY, written down
by Michael. 29.1.94 - ten days before she died (and three days before she lost consciousness).
Fear of what lies ahead
I am not in the least frightened, although this time I know that I am dying. But I'm not in the least bit afraid of death. I'm looking forward to it with great excitement: in a very peaceful sort of way, if you can be excited and at peace.
I've looked forward all my life to going to heaven, and now that it's coming about, I'm longing to know what it's going to be like. I've talked about it, I've sung about it, I've prayed about it all my life, as most Christians have, and now it's actually coming about I find it absolutely fascinating to know just how it's going to manifest itself and what it's going to be like.
I've had a wonderful, wonderful life with lots and lots of great happiness, particularly with family affairs. I've had lots of wonderful family holidays and outings and occasions and there are many of those which leave me with great memories. And I'm very pleased about that because they will stand the family in good stead I hope, as they're left behind without me.
It won't be a wrench to leave my family and friends. I know that sounds absolutely awful, and I don't really know how it is that I can say it. But I'm going to such a wonderful place that I can't even miss them. I feel terribly sorry because the family will miss me, but I'm afraid I don't think I'll miss them.
I am so looking forward to where I am going. I've been brought up as a committed Christian all my life I suppose, and the Lord Jesus Christ has been my friend and my guide for all that time. And as I've learnt various things about Him it's gradually built up, and with it has built up a picture of what is to come. A hazy picture, I might say, but an exciting picture nevertheless.
I have never had any doubts about this Its really to my sorrow in a way, because I'm no use to people who do have doubts. I can't be of any use to them, because I can't understand what their problem is, and so I'm useless, whereas the doubter who has forged his way through and come out the other end is much more useful, because He's got an answer to the questions. That's a more useful situation to be in.
I have been asked what my relationship with Jesus is like, and whether he talks to me.
I do spend a lot of time in prayer and I feel He answers me. I find it difficult to say how He answers me except that I believe that He does.
I don't hear a human voice. But I do know instinctively on many occasions what I should be doing, and what the Lord's answer is, even if it's something that I don't what to do myself. He gives me a very clear answer which I can grasp and experience.
Fear of pain
I think it's vital to accept the advice of the doctors around you. There's no merit in being noble, so if you are in pain I think it's a good thing to admit it. I haven't always done so myself, but I think where I haven't, I've made a mistake and I should have done.
Fear of death
This is where it's very difficult, because I find even in the last week or so my attitude has changed anyway, and a lovely chorus has come very much to the full in my life in a way which I didn't realise would happen even as recently as a month ago.
‘Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.’
It's now become very true, and the things of earth have faded, and with them the fear of what might happen when I die. So I have no fears now.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well the first thing is, it's very debatable whether or not I'm good. And if I am good, then so are a very large number of other people, because we're all a mixture of good and bad, of nasty and unpleasant things, and of lots of lovely things as well. Far more important than that, why shouldn't they? What reason is there for me to be spared? I see no reason of any sort why I shouldn't experience exactly the same as every other human being. If I were to have a charmed life then non-Christians could look and say, "Well of course it's easy to be a Christian. You have a charmed life." But if I am able to be a Christian when life is ordinary and just like everybody else's then that is when it is more recognisable as being something which is worth-while. Despite all the pain and weakness, and the fact that I'm still young, I feel my heavenly Father has looked after me through thick and thin, and it's His right to bless us in whatever way He wishes, and I feel that this is what He has done.
Why does a good and powerful God let you suffer?
It means that life is full of mysteries. I'm sorry to just leave it at that, but life is full of mysteries which this side of heaven we will not understand because He is all-powerful and so He could do whatever He chose, and we do not understand why He chooses one way and rejects another way in one particular person's life. We just have to accept that that is what He does, and he has every right to, because He is the sovereign Lord. And so I feel that I have complete peace to leave the choice to Him to permit me to be treated in whatever way He sees fit. And I'm absolutely convinced that His way has been best for me.
I think too that our family has benefitted by the suffering because it has drawn us together and taught us very valuable, very difficult lessons. And when you think of all sorts of things in nature: a diamond can't be made without great pressure, a gemstone is something which takes a great deal of making, a beautiful garden requires a great deal of pruning, and there are many instances in nature of things which have to be treated in a way which you might consider to be unkind in order to bring out the very best. And we have been privileged in our family that He has considered us worthy to treat us in this way and bring out the very best. I see in my children that they have learnt a great deal of love and care and joy in their lives because of the sorrow that we have been through, and I'm grateful that they have been permitted to do this. It's been a real privilege to be their mother, and to be Michael's wife.
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Is the timing wrong if a young person dies?
All I can say is that the timing that I can see has always been perfect. I've had a lot of very happy occasions in the last few years. I suppose the first one is my successful liver transplant, which came absolutely spot on time. If it had waited any longer it would have been too late. But since then we've had family holidays where I've been ill beforehand, then for the time it was booked I've been really well for the whole period of the holiday. We've had family occasions when the same thing has happened: where there was something that we really wanted to go to.
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| In Leeds after the liver transplant |
What about the loneliness of those you leave behind?
Well I hope no-one will be bitter, because I personally believe that the Lord Jesus' timing has been absolutely spot on. I can't pretend to understand that because it is a mystery, but I do feel that if it's right for me to be dead, and it must be because that's my heavenly Father's plan for me, then it must be right for all those around me, for me to be dead. It cannot be right for me and wrong for them, and so there must be some even more glorious explanation of why it was necessary to do it just this way. And the Lord promises he will give us His comfort. He says, "I will not leave you comfortless" and He promises that when He goes away He will leave His Holy Spirit, and that is still valid today. His Holy Spirit is still here, willing and able and longing to be a comfort to all those who are left behind.
I think He's given a baton to me to carry up to now, and now for whatever reason He sees fit, my carrying of it is over. I've done my bit. Like a relay runner I've done my bit and now the next runner has to take over to do his bit. No relay runner can run three laps of the relay: he only runs his one, and I'm only running my one.
One wish for future.
My wish for those I leave behind is that they all have a strong and determined faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and that they continue to walk with Him.
That's the only wish I have. If that is right, then everything else falls into place. Basically if that bit of your life is right, then if you are wanting to serve Him, and that is the paramount wish in your life, then everything else has got to fall into place, and then you will be blessed as I have been blessed. I know, from utter conviction.
Has your life been a success?
Oh yes, my life has been an infinite success. I have had a very happy, contented life for many years, and I have thoroughly enjoyed everything that came my way, because I was determined to live it through the Lord Jesus Christ. I have had sorrows; there have been quite a few sorrows, but they have nearly all been because of my own stupidity and on occasions when I upset the applecart, and had to come back to the Lord and ask His forgiveness and pick up things and carry on; but while I have let Him do the ruling, everything has gone well.
I believe the secret of life is to spend it with the Lord Jesus Christ, so the transition from this life to the next really won't be that great. It'll be just like changing trains, only the new train will be a corker!
I haven't got a clear imagination of what heaven is going to be like but it doesn't matter a bit. It's quite exciting waiting to find out what it's going to be like. I'm really looking forward to it, and not just because I shall no longer be in pain. I shall meet again those who have gone before me. I don't know whether I shall be conscious of having to wait for those who follow behind me because I will have stepped out of time as we know it. But the Lord Jesus said that when He returns He will raise the dead in Christ, and that will be me and my father; and then they who are alive, and that will be Michael and the children. And we'll all meet the Lord together. I think that makes absolute sense to me.
But sadly I think there will be some people whom I will not meet in heaven. Good people, who have rejected the Lord Jesus Christ. I can't bear to think of it but I'm afraid there are those who just haven't had it in them to accept Him. But I do wish that they would think very seriously about Him and decide that He is worth their allegiance from many points of view. I think the other thing is that there will be many people there that we'll be surprised by. People whom we didn't expect to see there, and they are there too. I myself have been very blessed. A lot of people haven't had the opportunities that I've had. But I do long that they will take advantage in the time that's left. I think we need to be positive because there are a lot of people are very close and I feel many of them have never rejected the Lord. And if you haven't rejected Him then you are with Him, I believe. I think there may even be Christians there who didn't know they were.
The kingdom of heaven is open to absolutely everybody. Secondly, there are people all over the place who would be very willing to help you., or if you just pick up a Bible from a bookshop, or in your own home, and read through it. Talk with a believer. He or she will be able to guide you to the Lord Jesus Christ, who can make all the difference in your life.
I've never been very courageous for the Lord, which is one of my great shames, and perhaps it's because I'm so near the end that I've got the courage to talk for Him, at least to redeem a little bit of time right at the end.
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| Teenager in Northern Rhodesia |
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| In our garden in Uganda, with Janine |
